They won't let you miss it

I stand beside myself, feeling as if I've stepped right past who I am right now. 

As if I've let myself down

Without this friend's question... I would soften back into who I was before all this. A beautifully wonderful person, but just not who I am NOW. (And f you know my story, you know what "all this" is.) 

"Why haven't you included readings in your new Retreat?" 

I stared at her, almost speechless, until I remembered why.

"Because they would take me away from the group as a whole for hours."

"Would they? Why don't you do the reading as a group?"

"Because I've not done a professionally paid group one yet. 

As I answered this, I realized it was the second time I had been asked to do a group reading in less than 24 hours... and I definitely hadn't been seeking it out. 

"They won't let you miss it."  

This was a sentence I thought often and said out loud to my students just as much.

Our Spirit Guides... the Universe... "they"... They won't let you miss it.

Eek. The uncomfortable growth.

What if  it failed?

Where was the fully expressed woman I am now?

My heart says I'm sorry... to myself.

I've let myself down in all this excitement. And forgot the value of who I've become... in this moment.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

 Do you ever feel that?

Does that ever happen to you?

Where you plan something BIG, and you hide behind what felt familiar to you?

What felt comfortable.

The thing that has had longevity. 

The familiar.

So I'm asking...

What are hiding behind that keeps you in the same place?

What doesn't give the same flight to your wings that it used to, yet you sit comfortably there?

What is summoning you, that you are pretending you don't notice?

I mean this. Allow it to float up. Write it down to fully see it.

My heart feels deep sadness, mourning the forgotten self. 

My body feel embarrassment, that I almost allowed my NOW self to dissipate in this experience like wind in a windstorm.

So I rewrite the experience.

Because all of me deserves to show up to all of you.

Because everything within us is allowed to open and grow, in this safe space ready to hold us tightly and release with just as much strength.

Raw.

Real.

Vulnerable.

Because that's what life should be.

As real as we can get.

AS often as we can.

As big as we're meant to grow.

And we'll witness each other and hold each other accountable, all at once.

Let's GROW.