My Preventative Double Mastectomy Anniversay

One year. This month… So precious. I never knew June would be a month that meant so much to me. 

I remember washing with the pink, sweet smelling liquid, a year ago. I remember following all the rules. I remember crying in the hospital room with my husband and doctor. 

And I remember the strength and determination I felt in my soul that this was right for me. 

I have not missed my breasts. 

I haven’t missed them. 

And last night, as I was scrolling through my phone notes, I saw a sentence. One sentence that sat alone, completely unrelated to the rest of my writing in that moment. 

It said, “I cry for the little girl who lost her breasts.”

I imagine her, this little girl, and she looks back at me with a smile. She seems unfazed, calm and quite fearless. She shows me she is a warrior. I believe her. 

So I look at me. I smile. A warrior. Unafraid and proud. I beat my chest. I roar. The same chest that was removed a year ago this very moment. 

Do I regret it?

No. Not even for a second. 

So many times I’ve said to my husband, “Can you believe I’ve had this chance? This opportunity to do that surgery? To shift the landscape of a woman 90%+ likely to have a highly aggressive breast cancer at a young age?”

I got to know. It was a gift from my mom, my dad, my future self and God.

I look at my chest every day. This constant reminder of my strength and beauty. This proof that I exist as freely as I want to. This knowledge I get to be who I want, every moment of my life. 

I refuse to live in fear, and I refuse to be a slave to rules. 

My only rules are the ones I’ve set… to bring myself where I want to be. 

My only rule is the intuition that flushes through my body to lead me where I want to go next. 

Life is huge. 

It is so much bigger than us. It is so much bigger than we can possibly control. 

And at the same time, it sits at our fingertips, and we push the buttons. 

We have everything and nothing all at once. 
Once we realize this, we stop playing the game of life, and start living in the beat of our own heart, our own soul. 

It is there that we can see the little girl within, and realize she is actually guiding us.